Now, my illness prevents me from doing even that, and although Jeff’s been great about it, I’ve felt inadequate, guilty, I mean, is it fair that he, a healthy man in his prime, suffer sexually as well as watch the woman he loves die by inches? No, it isn’t, but I’ve come to realize that life and fairness don’t seem to coexist peacefully, at least in our lives. And so I began thinking of ways to open his mind to the possibility of pleasure with another woman, a surrogate, if you will. It’s funny, isn’t it? The thought of Jeff touching another woman was enough to send me into an emotional tailspin for many years. When we were younger, I protected my territory fiercely, hyper-alert for even the slightest hint of a come-on by other women at parties, and I believe I was physically capable of rending them limb from limb if they so much as smiled at Jeff in a flirtatious manner. Silly, now, to have wasted so much emotional energy on that kind of thing, isn’t it? I mean, if he were going to. "She looked absolutely bewildered as I got up and pulled my pants on, and went to the closet to get a couple long coats. I shuffled on my shoes, not even tying them, and threw her coat at her."Let's go." I waited at the door, and she finally caught on, and ran to the bedroom. I stopped her. "What do you need shoes for?"When she came back, barefoot and how's the rest of that go?---she was wearing only a little more than a smile, with the coat on, all buttoned up. I took her hand, and we stepped out into the pre-dawn light. When you get older, early isn't quite the trauma that it is when you're young."Did you ever see that couple before?" I told her about the first time."Yeah, they were on the island, uh, how can I put this delicately?" Don't be delicate, you motherfucking bastard. Tell me what he did to her." He, uh, he was, er . . . fucking her . . . in the ass." That was a sentence I never thought I could pronounce to my wife, my starlight, ever. At least, not without getting an.
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